Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
