apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
