i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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