so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
