If i come over, it means nothing
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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