Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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