He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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