Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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