i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
