The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
