mondays should just be called national damage control day
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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