Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
