i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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