So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
