Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Randomize
