So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
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