Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
