Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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