He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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