this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize