I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
