So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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