On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize