ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Randomize
