i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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