if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
