i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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