Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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