And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
