Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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