This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
