i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
