I feel great
I just peed on a car
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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