If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
