ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
