My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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