Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Randomize
