I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
