dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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