put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
