lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
