rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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