He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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