I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize