Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
