im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
