Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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