Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Randomize
