There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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