Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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