i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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