I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
