he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
