Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize