One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
