my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
