i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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