i was born a porn star she said
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
