You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
