I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I deserve this hangover.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize